Savoring the Sweet

I have not been paying enough attention to my children lately. Even when I think I'm trying, I step back and realize I'm still doing what I think they want and not just asking them what they want. So Nai has been acting out more and more lately, and I've been getting more and more upset with her-- because don't I take her to all these fun places and let her do fun things all day and eat lots of sugary treats? I end up feeling like I'm bending over backwards trying to please her, and she's just ungrateful. But meanwhile she just wants to be heard, to be the center of my attention for awhile, for her opinions to not be secondary to mine all the time.

I have an incredibly difficult time being in the moment. My mind is always pulling me away to an inner world. So even when I'm trying to interact with my kids, I end up with my eyes glazed over, in some distant land, until I notice that Giorgi is screaming "Mom! Mom! MOM!" trying to get my attention.

I exist in some weird combination of dreamy half-life and then snapping to it and trying to catch up-- running all over the place, trying to get stuff done, trying to be supermom and in the meantime being a not very good mom at all.

Anyway, so small steps. Yesterday I made it my goal to be present, in the moment, with my girls all day. Doing whatever they wanted to do. So my morning started when Nai woke up and wanted to cuddle on the couch. So I held her for half an hour, just the two of us talking a little, and looking out the window at people starting their day, but most of all just enjoying a quiet moment together.

After that I asked Nai what she wanted to do, which was go to the beach. So I skipped the gym and loaded up the girls and a picnic and we went to the beach. And while we were there, instead of pulling out my notebook while the girls were playing, I played with them. Occasionally I'd feel the pull of that inner somewhere-else, but a smile from Nai or the feel of the hot sand under my feet or the salty ocean scent was enough to keep me anchored in this world, enjoying my family.

Nai then saw the blackberry bushes lining the beach and wanted to pick some. We ate a lot, and brought a lot home.

When we got home, the girls took a much-needed bath, and naps, and then Nai wanted to help me make a pie with the blackberries we brought home.

What a way to savor being in the moment with my girls.

Grandad's Poem

I haven't been getting much of my own writing done, (although I am working on a short story, at least), but I've been typing up my Grandad's letters to Grammy during WWII. Among his letters to her was a little notebook with this poem he wrote to her, which is so sweet and pretty. If I have nothing new of mine to share right now, I might as well share something of his!

I think of you day after day
As time goes marching on its way
To join the ranks of yesteryears
Away from our blood, sweat and tears;
And as the moments swiftly pass
Like ripples on a sea of grass
They seem to whisper "Hurry, lest
Time pass you by, and in your quest
For happiness you'll wander far
And see it not, right where you are."
Do you recall a setting sun,
And stars appearing one by one,
A crimson sky, a crimson sea
Fading into eternity?
And when the moon rose into place
He hid his funny, whining face
Behind a cloud, and peeking through,
Caught me as I was kissing you.
And as we watched the stars grew bright
Lending themselves to the summer night.
Do you recall a Winter's day
Up in the mountains, far away
From daily cares and work and strife--
We laughed and sang and found that life
Was not in vain? And as the snow
Fell gently on the trees below,
We travelled fast, and faster still
The ski tracks pointing down the hill.
And then at night, a cozy chair,
A fireplace, and you were there
To help me search with eager gaze
For fancied pictures in the blaze.
And as the dying embers glowed
Upon the hearth, their passing showed
A way to happiness in view.
I was content alone with you!

--Harvey Gooding

Green Little Tree

She climbs you like a frail tree
Your branches snap under her weight
Her pink claws tear your bark like paper
She sways at the top
Breathless with victory
You bow and bend and break
Your height never meant to be summited

Web

I don't know why
the spider has caught no flies--
How her web sparkles in the morning light!
She glows like an angel
in the center of her sticky halo.
If I were a fly
I'd be honored to die.